Its April, but its cold, for its raining outside. I usually love this romantic feel in the night, rain, and good music. But today I am tired and worn out. So I make myself a cup of coffee. I need to feel better.
Fighting with love is the most exhausting. It wears down totally.
But Yuvraj is fighting with cancer. He just got back home today. I wish him smooth recovery. And fast.
Coelho just updated his Facebook status to- problems should induce actions not depression, something like that. He says a lots of things. I wonder what these people are like, these mahatmas, who look as if they got it all sorted out, like they know every piece of emotional shit there’s to know about. Has he been through what I am being through, has he been me?
But I agree with his current update. I even shared it on my timeline.
RHCP is singing on my stereo. This Scar tissue resonates with me so much right now. I even wrote a song out in, you know, misery. I thought I’d sing some day. But like many things I planned to do and never did, maybe this is just another one of them too.
My dad taught me to keep promises, to do what I said I’d do. Yes, I still owe someone some lecture notes I said I’d give. I still got to buy someone a lunch, I still got to mend someone’s something I carelessly broke. I still got some conversations to end, some sorrys to say and some bye byes.
And there are some promises, quite a few, I made to myself. I am a dreamer. But maybe, you can’t do it all. If you have many dreams, at some point you got to let go of some and hang onto some. Because how many things could I to one versus one?
I think I should start praying too. I’ve lost touch with Gods since I took my finals. Gods do good to my spirit.
I have always been bad at undoing the knots. I give up. I hate tangled up and twisted. Its suffocating. And there’s so much in head. I can’t think straight.
Maybe that’s what being an adult is just like. You can’t have a spotless mind. Or a clean conscience. There are stains and cracks and fractures, there always will be. Walking, with all those weights, and still walking light, maybe be that’s growing up.
I suddenly feel this summer. It stopped raining abruptly. These mosquitoes I try to keep out fruitlessly with some scents will breed all night and come out with more tomorrow. But that’s alright.
One big cup of coffee I sat down with to begin to write has depleted and now I can’t think of a proper ending to what I just wrote.
Okay here’s a list of titles of what I’ve been meaning to write since quite sometime now.
“ Mind – Your own Business ” (Its not telling someone to back off, here I’d talk about minds)
“Cyber Patriots and Silent Revolution” (A poke to facebook and other social websites activism and telling that that’s at the very least, better than killing millions in name of revolution in Sudan, in Syria, in Libya, in Peru and everywhere, and what you achieve for such huge price? Almost nothing. It’d be about how the concept of revolution should change in this modern era and people, who know this should tell to other people, about right and wrong, justice and education and equality and development etc)
“I don’t have a title for this yet” (But I mean to write about Nepal and Bangladesh, drawing comparisons and how we can learn from each other experiences. Different places, we live in different times too, on economic and social point of view. More stuffs)
“One Nepal” (I breaks my heart to see how politicians have manipulated all of us into being pahade and madhesi and newars, limbus, magars, chettris, bahuns and think of us only as such single units. For me, Nepal is One. And I will write thinking of us all, together).
I feel better now, this is what writing does to me. And coffee.
p.s- like the Rubik’s cube in the picture, I have sorted out things only partly.