Okay, now

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Relaxed, maybe good for blood pressure. But how about life?

How about in your prime, when you are young and strong? You are relaxed with your situation- very much comfortable with it. 8 hours of loadshedding a day, noise, pollution, crappy leadership in the country, mis-judged policies. Hooliganism and anarchy. Injustice. If you are relaxed and do nothing about it. Then your situation is not going to change, you have to speak when you need to, fight when you need to stand up against something. (my)Old saying- it is more difficult to be on the wrong side- they might look intimidating- but they can’t fight. Because righteousness is always a bigger sword.

So don’t shy from confrontations- for there will always be. Problems don’t solve by itself, they need to be nailed down. And you can’t depend on anyone else to solve your problems. You got to do it on your own.

No that takes time too. And effort. I am at a situation where I need all my efforts to be best placed to my studies, so I can specialize early enough, make good money by 40s and then do what I want to do for the rest of my life. Most of the people would end their life at what I want to achieve at forty. But I want more- much more. My dreams don’t end with good house, cars and family. I want to get into politics, I want to write, I want to make the difference that I believe in. For that I need a base- to know that I have done for my family- made enough money to live by comfortably. Because getting into politics is a slow process. It will undermine my existence at first, they will all downplay my capabilities. I might even implode. So it’s a survival strategy- that I earn first. Become filthy rich. I am not going to ignore my family’s needs and put the country first. Yes, I do have big plans for the country. But I don’t believe in sacrifices. I don’t agree with bigger the sacrifice, bigger the difference. I will (okay, say selfishly) do with my personal priorities first. I am not a selfless hero.

Thus, I have to stop procrastinating now. I have been in an intellectual coma for a very long time. I have to come out of it. Be alive. For the time, is passing by. And if I don’t build a foundation for my future now my dreams would never realize. If not for dreams, what is there to keep living?

About love, I have loved. Truly, most wonderfully and most sickeningly. It would not be something entirely missing in my life. Though I miss being in love, I can’t afford time to cajole one. So, I will put that in my ‘in a while list’.

I have a long way to go. And fast. So I need to work hard.

Robert Forst said,

Woods are lovely, dark and deep

But I got promises to keep

Miles to go before I sleep.

Miles to go before I sleep.

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Random things on my mind

 

 

The blog is infact, named that. But I have not been quite so random. Let me be.

’14 has been a bad year for aviation industry. Malaysian A380 still missing, another one shot down in Ukraine with all the travelers dead, and as of yesterday- a Taiwanese domestic carrier went down trying to make an emergency landing.

Its been a bad year so far- bad for humanity. And shameful too, for us who are merely spectators of the extreme form of injustice around the world- and can do nothing about it. Not just a common folk like you and me, but the very UN, who is entrusted with such a job.

1. Fall of Muslim brotherhood in Egypt, a military coup- who is passing indiscriminate sentences, prosecuting opponents, free thinkers, including journalists. Devolution of Egypt from the great nation it once was.

2. Hundreds of girls abducted by boko haram in Nigeria, to be raped and enslaved- and we could do nothing about it.

3. ISIL, a sunni militant group, who were once aided arms and otherwise by US, NATO(in Syria, to fight proxy war against Russia/Assad)- surge most of Iraq- with Iraqi government now weak and helpless- as foreign forces that invaded the country to find ‘weapons of mass destruction’ turned it upside down, only not to find it and left- can’t defend its ethnically diverse population- shias, kurds, christians etc. Its terrible to see them lined up and shot in the back. And we can do nothing about it.

4. People of Ukraine kill each other, in ethnic lines- but the conflict is, a mere tug of war between Russia and rest of Europe. Why pay so heavy.

5. Tragic of all is killing of people of Palestine by Israel, most of them commoners- unarmed men, women and children. I can’t even comprehend how such a thing can happen in this ‘modern’ age. But, Israeli airport had to be closed for a couple of hours due to air raids from gaza, makes a bigger news than thousands being killed on the other side.

I abhor international community, the UN, leaders of today for not doing what they can do to save innocent lives around the globe.

Someday, I will make a difference.

p.s- I started meaning to write all the random things I had in mind, but the tone of this post has turned so grave, other petty thoughts don’t even compare. But they are there too, I will post separately.

Like something in my Diary

Except that, I don’t write a diary.

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I think keeping a diary is a way of conversing with oneself- much like soliloquy, but in a more elaborate fashion of course. Because, it is really difficult to find someone you could share everything with, who can understand you, and wouldn’t judge you for the absurd things in your head. Someone who could feel you. So people befriend themselves- they keep diary, and pour themselves totally onto it.

This life, I am 25 years old. I’ve lived one third of my life already. I’ve been a good son, good brother and a bad boyfriend so far. I’ve been a good student- now I’m a medical doctor, I earn good money, I enjoy my work, but I am not satisfied. My aspirations are different.  But I am so busy doing my job, I don’t have any time left for doing what I’ve always dreamed of doing. And this realisation that I am letting my dreams die out is making me depressed- its like a train honking out of the station- the train I should catch, but I am too frozen to move, maybe little scared to abandon my comfy little place- uncertain of where the train’d take me. Nevertheless, I know in my heart that’s my  train.

Nepal’s seriously wronged, by its corrupt incompetent leaders, and by its ignorant, reluctant citizens. I live in a country where there’s load shedding 12 hours a day, kids read in darkness- kids, that we call future of our nation. Well, since this is supposed to be a diary-like I’m not going to repeat everything that’s wrong with my country- can’t bore myself- but in the back of my head, I know, what my country is while what it could have been. I want to make things better. I know I can. And its something I always wanted to do.

Divine intervention- these two words I pick from Dan Brown’s novel. Though it turned out to be something else in the fiction, I like the idea- some out of the world power manifesting somehow to show us the right direction. Not in the magnitude of miracles, but I believe God(?) expresses himself in small things- subtle clues. There are things that have happened in my life that I happily remember as God listening to me- I decided that with a fine reasoning.

But then, it was not just God. It was me actually, that worked hard, that smiled, that persisted, that used brains, common sense, sweet talks- that solved the problems.. I tend to be careless when I depend on God, weak, dependent type. Its like not doing homework and going to school hoping, praying that the strict school teacher wouldn’t come. Sometimes, he didn’t- but most of the times he did. God won’t pick you up everytime you fall. What happens to you, is mostly the consequence of what you do.

 

So I decide, most of my disappointment is due to my inaction, my failure to do all the things I mean to do. I’ve been into difficult situations due to my doing something, but my regrets are more for those times when I didn’t do.

Carpe Diem!

Things to Win my heart

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First things first, I am biased towards everyone I meet, strangers. I think everybody’s nice and I’d like to like them until they really piss me off over something. But some of the things that get me really impressed are:

#1 Straight forward, speaking their mind.

#2 Creative attracts me a lot too. Someone who can write a witty piece of article or even say something that makes funny sense.

#3 Good food. I don’t know if I can squeeze this point into this list, but I’ve always loved eating, and like they say, way to a man’s heart is through his stomach!

#4 In touch with reality. Someone who doesn’t fumble over long lines at QFX, or complains how disgusting were people she had to put up with. I don’t like people saying mean things to anybody. Its such a turn off. I like when people can talk reasonably.

#5 And people who care, genuinely. And when they do, I’m smart enough to realise every little efforts they make. I don’t know if its a feeling of obligation, I think it is not, but a reciprocal emotion, of thank you and I like you too.

Selfish it maybe, maybe some kind of a defense mechanism, I can’t really love a person who doesn’t love me, or like.

A Cup Of Coffee

Fighting with love is the most exhausting. It wears down totally.

But Yuvraj is fighting with cancer. He just got back home today. I wish him smooth recovery. And fast.

Coelho just updated his Facebook status to- problems should induce actions not depression, something like that. He says a lots of things. I wonder what these people are like, these mahatmas,  who look as if they got it all sorted out, like they know every piece of emotional shit there’s to know about. Has he been through what I am being through, has he been me?

But I agree with his current update. I even shared it on my timeline.A Cup Of Coffee.

 

A Cup Of Coffee

Its April, but its cold, for its raining outside. I usually love this romantic feel in the night, rain, and good music. But today I am tired and worn out. So I make myself a cup of coffee. I need to feel better.

Fighting with love is the most exhausting. It wears down totally.

But Yuvraj is fighting with cancer. He just got back home today. I wish him smooth recovery. And fast.

Coelho just updated his Facebook status to- problems should induce actions not depression, something like that. He says a lots of things. I wonder what these people are like, these mahatmas,  who look as if they got it all sorted out, like they know every piece of emotional shit there’s to know about. Has he been through what I am being through, has he been me?

But I agree with his current update. I even shared it on my timeline.

RHCP is singing on my stereo. This Scar tissue resonates with me so much right now. I even wrote a song out in, you know, misery. I thought I’d sing some day. But like many things I planned to do and never did, maybe this is just another one of them too.

My dad taught me to keep promises, to do what I said I’d do. Yes, I still owe someone some lecture notes I said I’d give. I still got to buy someone a lunch, I still got to mend someone’s something I carelessly broke. I still got some conversations to end, some sorrys to say and some bye byes.

And there are some promises, quite a few, I made to myself. I am a dreamer. But maybe, you can’t do it all. If you have many dreams, at some point you got to let go of some and hang onto some. Because how many things could I to one versus one?

I think I should start praying too. I’ve lost touch with Gods since I took my finals. Gods do good to my spirit.

I have always been bad at undoing the knots. I give up. I hate tangled up and twisted. Its suffocating. And there’s so much in head. I can’t think straight.

Maybe that’s what being an adult is just like. You can’t have a spotless mind. Or a clean conscience. There are stains and cracks and fractures, there always will be. Walking, with all those weights, and still walking light, maybe be that’s growing up.

I suddenly feel this summer. It stopped raining abruptly. These mosquitoes I try to keep out fruitlessly with some scents will breed all night and come out with more tomorrow. But that’s alright.

One big cup of coffee I sat down with to begin to write has depleted and now I can’t think of a proper ending to what I just wrote.

Okay here’s a list of titles of what I’ve been meaning to write since quite sometime now.

“ Mind – Your  own Business ” (Its not telling someone to back off, here I’d talk about minds)

“Cyber Patriots and Silent Revolution” (A poke to facebook and other social websites activism and telling that that’s at the very least, better than killing millions in name of revolution in Sudan, in Syria, in Libya, in Peru and everywhere, and what you achieve for such huge price? Almost nothing. It’d be about how the concept of revolution should change in this modern era and people, who know this should tell to other people, about right and wrong, justice and education and equality and development etc)

“I don’t have a title for this yet” (But I mean to write about Nepal and Bangladesh, drawing comparisons and how we can learn from each other experiences. Different places, we live in different times too, on economic and social point of view. More stuffs)

“One Nepal” (I breaks my heart to see how politicians have manipulated all of us into being pahade and madhesi and newars, limbus, magars, chettris, bahuns and think of us only as such single units. For me, Nepal is One. And I will write thinking of us all, together).

I feel better now, this is what writing does to me. And coffee.

Goodnight, tonight!

p.s- like the Rubik’s cube in the picture, I have sorted out things only partly.

Pursuit Of Happiness

 

Pursuit Of Happiness

Some sought it in Gold. People found it patriotism. Lovers say love’s got it all.  Apart from money, good  food, music, movies, love, sex that make us all happy more or less, there are stuffs more influential, though subconscious, that determine how we feel. Happy? Lets see.

7 Tips to Happiness in here_ Pursuit Of Happiness.